Pickiness

i realize a lot of people may look at me and what i say and the things i do, and probably think i am exceptionally choosey without ‘just’ cause. i am choosey. i am very picky about what i am going to spend my time on in this life.

why would i take a job that i find miserable on several superficial levels, just because it supplies me money needed to live in an area where rent is inflated beyond belief and people are miserable with all the blessings they have at their feet?

warm bed at night. taken for granted. reliable vehicle to get to work. taken for granted. massive variety of cuisine. taken for granted. opportunities to learn, opportunities to improve; both taken for granted. chasing the idea of perfection that involves a Ferrari in the driveway, a 72” tv on your wall and a supermodel in your bed.

you have your idea of perfection, and so do i. you pity my idea of success, i pity yours.

my job, my career, my life, have never been about money. money is a means to put a roof over my head and food in my tummy. as long as i have reasonable shelter from the elements and food that is nourishing, i have very few complaints.

my career is about being paid for the things i love to do with computers; examine problems and test hypotheses.

if a position in a company cannot afford me the freedom to do those basic things, i am not interested in wasting my time or efforts.

however, by having a great discussion with a friend tonight, i realized that while i am fine with the path i am taking and the idea that i may be alienating strangers by being brutally honest and up-front, sometimes you need to ease people into it.

i used to think that meant keeping your speech polished at all times, and sucking it up and pretending to be a different person for the duration of the interaction. i realized that as long as i try to explain myself simply, up front, it makes it a little easier to digest my words, because you now have conversational context.

if i take the time to present myself professionally and explain that being formal is not second-nature to me, so i feel more comfortable being relaxed and casual, i might have a chance of some people taking a little more time to get to know me.

if i just keep throwing myself out there casually and relaxed, i WILL meet people and i WILL find a job, eventually, but some of the good people to be friends with may be put off by my bluntness, unless it is first addressed.

i have made some friends and connections this way, not as many people as i have alienated mind you. but good people, people who like honesty, can take tough love and learn the lessons when offered, or challenge the lessons and make me see that i am the one who needs an education.

i need to be able to trust that the people i respect and value in my life respect and value my relationship enough to tell me what’s what, without sparing words.

basically, i am picky because my time is valuable, life is short. i waste plenty of time worrying about things and i would rather spend that energy discussing things with friends, and learning where my world-view is askew.

the lesson i learned tonight is so bloody simple, plenty of people in my life have tried to make me see and understand it, and all of you who have tried, i apologize for being thick headed.

my friend tonight was able to persevere through my bull-headedness and make me see some daylight.

if you don’t have that kind of endurance to spare for me, then perhaps friends isn’t the best choice, but… let’s do lunch.