Fear

ear is something that we don’t generally have much control of, in our lives. fear is a product of assumed threat given your understanding of a situation. if you do not understand a situation, then talking about it can really help alleviate fear.

i’ve been having a piss-poor time attempting to explain to people why communication is crucial in the battle of love and fear and ignorance and awareness. i had a conversation earlier this evening with a long-time friend, and with patience and asking questions, we were able to alleviate fear.

i rent a small room in silicon valley, i have a door to the outside at the front of the house, and a door inside to the central hallway. the exterior door does not have any sort of deadbolt or locking mechanism in place, and since it’s not my apartment, i don’t know if i am permitted to install one.

the interior door, while managing some pretty good sound baffling, is something a 12 year old could put a fist through.

my landlord is attempting to evict me from the premises without solid ground, and i am quite literally afraid of what she might do, or try to do.

let me explain. i have given her multiple opportunities to back down and accept that the law is on my side, and see reason. she has insisted on demonstrating irrational behavior and not using reason.

i cannot trust that she is intelligent enough to not try to fuck with me.

she has keys to my room. there is nothing i can do, to prevent her from breaking into my room and planting a kilo of cocaine on my desk for the cops she just called to find.

she could damage my car, which is parked on the street or in the driveway, as an attempt to harass me or scare me from bringing her to justice.

in addition to this, one of my housemates has exhibited aggressive behavior toward me with no explanation. i cannot trust him, and he has a key to my house, as well.

so i was stuck in a trap and explaining to my friend that i felt helpless and jailed by fear (his words, really).

through asking questions and going over it, he came out of nowhere and said ‘hey, do you have a webcam’… and like that, i was on google looking for a surveillance program. (ispy, it’s free! and open source!)

now i can leave my room to go get coffee again, to go visit friends again, to go get food from 7-11 again and most critically; take a shower again.

i don’t have to worry about people fucking with my shit because now i have something in place to keep an eye on it.

i still have to worry about sleeping though; a camera isn’t going to prevent my aggro housemate from kicking in my door and smothering me while i sleep.

so i put things in front of the doors when i go to bed, at least i have some advanced notice that way.

tl;dr

by communicating with my friend and asking things, and stating things as i saw them, i was able to let go of a large chunk of fear that i have been feeling living in my apartment, while i wait for plan C.